Overdue and timely.

Overdue indeed. But when one finds an addicting Korean show after shopping for some even more addicting Korean food, blogging is a faraway duty. But I do love to write, so here goes.

Yay! The week of baking for the hubby is now officially over – it’s truly bittersweet. Bitter because I did enjoy being so productive with such a heart of service. Sweet because I get to relax once the baby goes to bed. The big finale was the infamous (in our own family of three) Hazelnut Chocolate Chip Cookies. According to my husband, they are the best cookies he has ever had in his life. That’s saying a lot, knowing him. Hubs is the most honest food judge I know. He is horrible at lying about whatever I cook for him. So when he says it’s good, I believe him. I felt pretty good, watching this grown man eat cookies like a little kid – quite fulfilling as his wife.

The cookies were not too difficult to bake. The hardest part of the recipe was making the hazelnuts into a powder. Joanne warns the reader not to over-grind the nuts because it can turn into paste. I got real close. That’s what I get from using a blender instead of a food processor. But other than that, it was pretty darn easy, especially after getting used to her style of baking recipes.

My thoughts after the big finale: it was worth the exhaustion and the constant dreading to help my husband feel loved. Service fulfilled my heart and my husband’s belly (and I’m sure, his heart). I already knew this in my head, but to see such happiness and security added to our relationship and marriage by just one act of going out of my way to love on my husband was quite astounding.

The wonderful people who did our pre-marital counseling emphasized the importance of serving each other. How marriage succeeds with a culture of service. When I decide to serve my husband, loving him in the way he understands, it brings a level of security and assurance that can’t be shaken. The memory of being served by the one you love helps you push through in moments of conflict. Of course, it’s really successful when BOTH the husband and wife serve each other. If one side is selfish, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship.

I always struggled with selfishness in our relationship. Although I served him in certain ways, there were many times I put my own desires above our relationship. I didn’t realize I was doing that until I started to more actively serve him.

An unarticulated misunderstanding many of us have is that serving others can be exhausting and at times, painful. This can be true, but the truth is, the reward of putting my spouse before me, my friends before me, my children before me (this one is easy for us mamas) is way beyond the exhaustion and the temporary pain. The joy that comes from serving the one I love is unexplainable. And the humility that comes with it…well, it can’t be taught. You need to DO it to experience it.

The sweet baked goods brought me loads of sweet revelation – always a plus. I might start another challenge soon, but I’m giving myself a break for now. In the mean time, I intend to enjoy some good Korean TV, Doritos and my heating blanket – a ritual when the baby takes his nap. I’m not ashamed – I convince myself that the shows keep my Korean going. And I am well convinced. So ta-ta for now!

Quick add-on, about 3 months later: I finally re-read this entry, re-realizing how much I love to write. I was also reminded of the need to serve, rather than expect to be served. Quite timely, in a quite ironic fashion. Love these moments!

Procrastinate with a purpose..

The infamous foodie couple. Infamous to our friends…and no one else.   But infamous indeed.

I know I’m super late on my big finale of baking for the hubby this week, but I figured it’s better to push it to tomorrow than to sit with my laptop and write instead of spending some good, much needed alone time with my hubby for his birthday week. Some things are worth letting go. Don’t you worry (if you even are at all concerned about my last masterpiece), this final recipe is going to be a winner, and it’s starting on Monday, ending on Tuesday. Yes, it’s a two-day-er.

Good night, and see you tomorrow!

Sugar High

The title is sugar high, but really, my husband and I are suffering from sugar headaches. I didn’t think about the consequences of baking sweets every day. I am truly suffering from consuming too much sugar. My husband is afraid now when I announce what I’m about to bake. My son is getting used to watching me spend long hours in the kitchen. I’m looking forward to the end of this sweet and exhausting journey.

But I’ve made a promise with myself, and I intend to keep it. Therefore, Joanne’s Brown Butter Crispy Rice Treats from Flour became my next project. She actually mentions that someone else made them in their kitchen, but there is no name…that was me trying to give credit to the right person.

I definitely did not know what I was getting myself into when I decided on this supposedly easy recipe. First off, it is NOT easy finding actual vanilla beans. I am not an actual pastry chef or baker or mama baker – I only bake once in awhile! So you can imagine my surprise when I found out vanilla beans are long and sticky. Just so you know, they are in the baking aisle, and no, it’s not obvious where they are placed. I found them with other spices, not next to the vanilla extract. Goodness, vanilla beans are NOT for baking novices.

Secondly (I have many thoughts after this “baking” session), one cannot be tired when reading a somewhat complicated recipe. Joanne asks for low heat when browning the butter. I definitely skipped the “low” part and just melted the butter on very high heat. Again, you can imagine my frustration as I kept hoping the butter would brown properly after lowering the heat when it was way too late.

Last but really not the least, make sure you use a giant wok when you make this stuff. My extremely large saucepan was not large enough for the 9 cups of rice cereal with the two bags of melted marshmallows. Here again, you can imagine my demise as I watched the rice cereal fly everywhere around my tiny kitchen.

Despite a couple mishaps due to my own lack of baking wisdom, I finished making the BEST rice crispy treats I had ever had ever in my entire life. And it was the quickest recipe – no 3 hour wait or overnight cooling necessary. And I thoroughly enjoyed the process of smelling the fragrant marshmallows as they melted, munching on rice cereal and eating off my wooden spoon. Not to mention, my fingers smell like vanilla even now, and it’s been hours (look at the recipe and you’ll understand).

Anyway, once I finished the quick but not so easy Brown Butter Crispy Rice Treats, I was able to sit down and finish a movie I had been watching earlier. You guys – the Korean movie, Beauty Inside, is an absolutely beautiful film. You’ve got to watch it. Anyway, as I was watching and crying by the end (sort of a must with most Korean dramas and movies), I forced myself to start writing. And as I wrote, I realized something: I’m really happy. I’m really really happy. I don’t say this to rub it in the faces of unhappy people – I say this because I didn’t realize that I was so happy.

I thought I would never find the time to bake so many elaborate things in my life, ever. I thought I would never find the time to write like this again. I thought I would never find the rest in my heart to enjoy sitting on my couch, writing and drinking hot tea from a pretty tea set, given to hubby and me as a wedding gift. I thought times like this were of the past, pre-baby. But here I am, talking about vanilla beans and movies. Here I am talking about tea sets. No longer am I sleep deprived, angry at my circumstance and afraid to trust God again. I have overcome the sleep deprivation, become thankful for where our family is at and totally engaged in the present – enjoying God.

I don’t know what challenges lay ahead of me when hubby and I have baby number 2 (not yet, folks), but for now, this mama is feeling pretty awesome. It took over a year to be freed of so many fears and frustrations, but really, the season was worth it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be baking or writing tonight. I guess I say this to encourage you: don’t run away from fear and frustration. Face the challenge and choose to trust God, whether you can or can’t. Every time you choose to trust Him, it gets easier. Eventually, you trust Him without even thinking about it. And then you find yourself doing things you never thought you’d ever be able to do. Like make Brown Butter Crispy Rice Treats. Oh, or the Best Ever Chocolate Pudding.

I could drink this partially browned buttered marshmallow goodness. Yum.

The beginning of my mess…

My mess…

My sticky, prickly mess…(those tiny, chubby feet though…)

But it’s just so beautiful!

The finished chocolate pudding! I had to show you!

Love my tea set! This was my day, you guys. Seriously, someone pinch me!

Just to make you want some ;)!

 

The Dreaded Brioche

Per writing and declaring my newness yesterday, I went to bed that night determined to make something awesome for the hubby the next day. My goal was to make Joanne Chang’s Best Ever Chocolate Pudding. I woke up today, a little less motivated, but still determined to make that Best Ever Chocolate Pudding, only to find out it takes more than a day to make it. So I started perusing through the book quite desperately, hoping to find a recipe that only required 1 day. Little did I know that Joanne Chang likes to bake things that take a long time. So after much thought (frantic thought), I decided on her Basic Brioche.

For all the single ladies (and men), the Basic Brioche should only take a day to make. For all of the mama and papas out there, good luck. Due to my son’s nap, this little mama needed to plan for a two-day bake-athon, knowing I had a very short window of time to go to the grocery store.

Can I just say how proud I am of myself? I avoid two-day baking recipes at all costs.  If anything takes more than a day to make, I immediately shut down and choose not to cook at all (extreme, I know, but that’s just how it’s been). But again, I’m a new me, no longer selfish, ready to love on my hubby who always goes out of his way for me. This was a no brainer (a hesitant no brainer. It took a lot of “inner convincing” for me to actually go to the store to get the ingredients).

So I took the little guy to the store with me, which is always fun as a parent because people will always smile and compliment on your kids’ cuteness (unless it’s a bad day…today was a good day). Who doesn’t love a good compliment? We strutted his cuteness down the aisle, got our goods (not EVERY store has bread flour. If you ever make the endeavor to bake brioche buns, make sure your store has bread flour), and hurried home (safely).

After putting the little man to bed, I ate dinner with my shaky, hungry hands because I waited to eat until after the baby’s bed time (moms, do you relate??) and sort of grudgingly started on the dreaded brioche.

And well, surprise, surprise. It wasn’t that bad! My wrists hurt from holding the standing mixer down for so long (it kept making loud banging noises…apartment living does not permit such a thing), but so far, the recipe has been totally doable, even for me. I’m slightly dreading tomorrow’s part because I can’t fully understand her directions for how to fold the dough (second generation Korean American problems), but for now, I actually enjoyed the process. It goes to show how we just need to go for it sometimes. Thinking too much never seems to help in life.

So that’s day 2 of the new Priscilla, in the process of baking the Basic Brioche from Joanne Chang’s Flour. This isn’t supposed to be a cooking blog, but for now, it is. And I will, I WILL finish this week strong! (Why it is that I feel so much more motivated about things in the evening? I pray this “new me” inspiration continues on in the morning).

Good night!

Part 1…hoping part 2 works out okay!

For all of you couples out there:

As you may know from recent posts, my husband started his own company a little over a year ago. He is also involved in two other start-ups, which means he basically works three full time jobs (yikes!) It sounds crazy, and it is crazy. But we both decided it was necessary to work all three jobs (yes, we are a little crazy too – in a good way. I hope.), so he is doing so. And it’s really stressful. Like, really stressful.

For those of you married people, you know there are mountains, big and small, to overcome to make the marriage successful. And I believe one of them is to appreciate each other in who they are and what they do for the family and to show that appreciation. Well, it’s hard to fully appreciate the other person when you don’t know the full story of what they do, and to be quite honest, I don’t think the other person will ever fully know and understand how hard, stressful and rewarding the other person’s “job” and “role” can be. However, it is helpful when each person has the opportunity to live the day in the life of the other, experiencing a teensy bit of what their life is like.

Now, to string all of these thoughts together, I wanted to share what happened to help me understand my stressed out, passionate and hard-working (understatement) husband.

Recently, my husband and I needed to go to an event together in the evening, but it was about an hour away from where we lived, so we decided to spend the whole day together out where the event was going to be held. It was close to where he usually worked, so I would follow him around and pretty much watch him work. I wasn’t thrilled (it isn’t too entertaining to watch someone work), but my husband was excited to show me what he does. And as I observed, I learned a couple things: 1) he speaks in a totally different tone when working – short, to the point and somewhat aggressive (he never talks like that to me), and 2) he has to fight for integrity, for the right decision to be made, about every other minute of the day. It was all fast-paced and stressful. Exciting, but stressful. And I was glad I didn’t have to be a part of it every day.

Then we watched The Intern a couple of days ago. It’s the movie with Anne Hathaway (love her!) and Robert DeNiro (he really played the most precious character ever.) If you are involved in a start-up or are like me, a supporter of a start-up, you should really watch this movie. It will open your eyes to the different perspectives of those all involved in building a company. It definitely opened mine. I knew the stress my husband dealt with because he shared about work all the time. We prayed together almost every day concerning work. But to see it all, big picture, was like receiving a revelation. Being in charge of so many people, so many projects and constantly having to make decisions is not easy (understatement, I know.)

My husband and I chatted for awhile that night after watching the movie. As much as my heart about our crazy life and his role in it had softened and changed through the film, so had his. He was able to see to my end of the bargain. We knew this in our minds, but our hearts finally realized we could never compare our jobs with each other. Something so obvious became a supernatural, powerful revelation to us.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand how hard and how fun a day in the life of my husband is. But he won’t ever fully understand mine either – unless we completely switched roles. We decided we are okay with that and that we needed to commit to showing each other appreciation for what each of us did for the family. It’s hard for both of us at times because we both want approval and fall into the pit of wanting to feel important by what we do. But we already approve of each other, and most importantly, God approves the both of us for simply who we are.

I started writing this post to try to convince you to watch The Intern because I loved it so much, but I guess the message God imprinted on my heart just had to be shared. Well, I hope it was encouraging for you…serving the other person is hard work. Really hard work. But I’ve never regretted serving my husband, and he’s always made sure to serve me above his desires (he has been more successful than me. Poop. I’ll keep getting better.) It seems to work well in a marriage.

Alrighty…cheers!

Chung-choon

One of my favorite movies is Julie and Julia, with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams, also two of my favorite actresses. If you haven’t yet seen the film, I highly recommend it – if anything, for the food. Amy Adams definitely inspired me to make endless bruschetta when my husband and I were dating (it looks SO good when she makes it.)

Well, among the many wonderful scenes that spoke to me, there was one in particular that got stuck in the back of my mind. It’s when the character, Julie, has her 30th birthday. The exact lines are, “I’m 30. I thought it was gonna be terrible, but thanks to you, and thanks to Julia, it feels like I’m gonna get through.”

I remember thinking, “What’s so terrible about turning 30?” I was in college then, in my early 20’s. I thought 30 was a beautiful age – I imagined myself with my husband and children, fulfilling my dream to change the world, however it was going to be.

So here I am, 2 years away from turning 30, and those lines Julie spoke have been playing in my head. You see, I’ve been questioning myself, or more so evaluating myself, if I am happy with my husband and baby and fulfilling my dream.

There’s a Korean word that is similar to the meaning of “youth”: chung-choon. Loosely translated, it means those in their 20’s (or 30’s now – we seem to mature slower these days) who have no limitations, able to achieve whatever they put their minds to – they can dream big and actually fulfill those dreams.

Right now is considered my chung-choon. I’m reaching my so-called deadline of some life goals, and I am forced to make some decisions for myself and my family. Many of you are probably on the same boat. I am called to make a difference in this strange world, to have passion and zeal for change. I also have a husband to support and a baby to take care of. They require much of my attention, and I love it. But I know I need to do both. Have I done it?

To be honest, I haven’t. As most of you have read, mothering my baby is a no-brainer. I will do whatever it takes to raise my child to be the best he can be. Supporting my husband in his dreams, showing him the love and affection he needs and deserves is a must. It’s not always easy, due to my own issues at times, but it is somewhat natural and so much fun. But having passion and zeal to fulfill my dreams of changing the world? No. I adjusted to the comfortable lifestyle of worrying about money, paying the bills and only talking about how the world needs to change.

Ugh. I never thought I’d become that person who so frustrated me in the past. But I have. I accept it. Which is why I am writing this today. I choose to change. I still want to see the brokenness of so many women out there, healed. I still want to build a school that gives kids in the inner cities an opportunity to become the leaders they are meant to be.

I know I’ve been working towards my vision here and there. This blog is proof of that. But I want to reach the end goal, and that requires more effort than I’ve been putting in.

My encouragement to you: remember that passion. You don’t have to be in your 20’s to be in your chung-choon. You choose to be in your chung-choon. Don’t fall into the cycle of making enough money to be happy with you and your family. That happiness will only last so long. There is joy in persevering, enduring and pushing for a dream.

Our “30’s” doesn’t have to be terrible! It can be the most wonderful season of our lives, if we so choose to allow it to be. Whether you’re 18 or 55, you choose to change. And if you have the power to change yourself – humans are the most stubborn – then you definitely have the power to change the world around you. Totally possible.