After a couple attempts of posting some thoughts, I again reminded myself that I should just post for the heck of it. Sometimes I forget that no one really knows about this blog, and it’s not being judged by English literature scholars. So here goes. Again. Five months later (my goodness.)
Well, nothing’s really changed much. Still living with my husband’s parents, still a stay-at-home mom with a side job and still waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting to move out, waiting to have the money to move out and waiting for hubby’s projects to succeed all the way to the paychecks making their presence. And it might seem foolish at times, all of this waiting, but we wait because there is nothing else to do. All we can do is wait.
When we wait, we start to think a lot. Sometimes we think too much. We are in danger of wasting time, thinking in fear. Which is exactly what my hubby and I did. For the past five months, we thought and we talked. Many times we thought good things and talked with hope, reminding each other what God had promised us for our future and how we should approach the present. When one of us started complaining about our circumstance, the other one was firm and encouraging. But there were several times we were both in despair, exhausted from fighting for faith and just about finished with holding onto hope. I started thinking we were always going to be poor, living with hubby’s parents, and we just had to accept it. I really had no problem with that (except maybe we could get a small apartment of our own…) Maybe I needed to get another job. Maybe we were holding onto values and standards too high for us. It’s expensive to be a stay-at-home mom and it’s risky to start your own business. There were times I would find myself looking for other jobs and applying without even consulting my husband.
So I finally asked God, “Are we supposed to be poor? Are we wasting time, trying to build a new business? Tell us, and we’ll stop. I’m tired of waiting. It’s been over 7 years, and we are ready to give up.”
God responded quickly, “You will succeed in everything you’re working on. Just keep going. I promise it will all pay off.” It was loud and clear. One of those moments you knew it was God and it wasn’t you.
That week, my husband came home from work, discouraged (sadly, a common situation for us) and said, “What I need is faith. I need faith.” The next day, I was listening to music on iTunes radio, and a random section of Graham Cooke’s teachings came up. It was about how to obtain faith. Funny.
And of course, for the next two weeks, there was promise after promise, proven by opportunity after opportunity with new partners and new clients. Hubby’s business was going well and my business was going way better than what I was working for. There were hiccups along the way, moments that brought both of us to despair, but the random surprises of opportunity encouraged us to keep hoping (I’m sure you entrepreneurs can relate!)
Like I mentioned in the beginning, nothing’s really changed. I can’t end this post with a resolved, happy ending. We are happy (most of the time), but nothing’s really finished or resolved. Our bank accounts look the same (or worse) and we still don’t have our own home. We are still waiting. However, we wait with anticipation. Or so we choose to anticipate. We went through the times of despair already. I’m quite tired of that, and so is my husband. It’s exhausting to hold onto faith, but it’s deadly to lose hope. I watch so many people around me choose the safe route – the job that they are okay with, not excited about, the major that promises a good paycheck, not necessarily what helps fulfill their dreams and constantly talking about what is financially stable, rather than asking God what His will is for them – and I watch them slowly let go of joy, excitement, rest and intimacy with God. They are all still amazing, kind and loving people, but they are no longer completely them. It’s sad.
As my husband and I watch these people give up their dreams and desires, we are motivated more than ever to pursue God’s ultimate purpose for us. We are reminded that a steady paycheck does not ensure happiness. Of course, we are hoping for that someday, but we refuse to go the “easy” route (in the end, we believe the route we chose is much easier). When we choose to obey God and to chase our dreams, we are much happier. The painful moments of despair become a fun memory, reminding us where we came from, and the times of success are so sweet, the trials are simply a stepping stone.
So we wait. We will continue to wait. And as we wait, we choose to prepare for the future. We won’t just dream of what it would be like to be able to pay rent, we’ll plan on how to spend our money, who to give it to and how we will give it. Which makes me think this time of waiting is more than necessary. When else will we have the time to mature and plan these things? It scares me to think we would spend our money foolishly.
If you are in similar shoes (none are the same!), please, continue to dream! Watching others around me, the ones who are pursuing God, relentlessly, living their dreams, whether it still be in progress or towards the end, are MUCH happier than those who walk the safe and nice road. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Also, when else will we have memories of God providing food when we didn’t have money for groceries? In the future, this will all be too sweet to forget.